mutum est pictura poema

Strobe lights and blown speakers.

2010-12-18T18:52:00.001-08:00

I'm not here.

This isn't happening.

The saddest songs are playing on the strings of my heart.

It would be so nice to take you
I only ever try to make you smile
No matter what, we're gonna keep you occupied
But only at your place
Only at your place

It would be no price to pay
I only ever lie to make you smile
All kinds of dust are gonna keep me satisfied
But only at your place
Only at your place

Tonight a special memory serves me
And I'll wait to find the wrong way
Tonight a special memory serves me
And I'll wait to find

It's over
It's over
I feel like, the feeling is like
It's over
Why is it so hard to stay away?

Tonight a special memory serves me
And I'll play to find that I'm gray
Tonight a special
I only memorize those dates I deny

And I forget why we'll say
Let's seize the day
You won't have to say that you'd love to
But baby please that you want to
Someday

It would be no price to pay
Hit me again
'Cause it would be no price to pay

Don't have to say that you'd love to
But baby please that you want to
Someday

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2010-12-12T16:53:00.000-08:00

Well, I finally talked to him today.... about everything.

He said that he wants to be with me but then he has all these worries about it, all these what ifs.

In his words..

What if I am only wanting to get back together because of being lonely?

What if things are as they used to be?

What if I let you down again?

What if I am only wanting to be with you because I want to make you happy?

HONESTLY.

He knows in his heart...

When he looks at me, it is the look of love he used to give.

Every time he smiles and laughs.

When we were laying on my bed earlier and he was staring into my eyes....

He said he still feels it for me.

So why are we still apart?

Why can't we try?

I've been crying so hard, my body tried to throw up and I could not fucking breathe.

This is the letter I wrote him:

ts hard to imagine a world where we couldnt work things out. I feel like surely in time you will see how sincere i am. I dont want anyone else, i would wait so long for you... But i am hoping it doesnt come to that. I feel so incredibly sad all the time, i miss you so much. If you ever gave me the chance to be with you again, i would not take that for granted. I would cherish you like a precious kitten, cradling you close andsafe in my heart. I would do anything to prove that i am sincere and how i feel is a lasting thing, and how much devotion i feel to you. The last time we made love and i told you that i loved you i meant it. I think i left because i felt so hurt and rejected by you. I did not try to come back earlier because i was ashamed and terrified you would say no. I think i tried really hard to sniff out the reasons why i thought it wouldnt work. I think i was trying to convince myself for some reason. It all seems so silly and immature now. I feel like whoever did that to you is not the real me. Its so hard to face that i cant fix things and may never get that chance. I try to hide my love from you because i dont want to make it hard on you. I listen to sappy songs of love lost and cry. I cried while i wrote this, too. I was immature and a damn fool and the worst part is that i hurt the man i loved more than anyone. I have had so much time to sort out everything. I always loved how your eys matched your hair.... You always has the kindest, sparkliest eyes. I would even help you work on your cars, just to spend time with you. Everyone i have been talking to keeps saying that i just need to give you time, to show that i am coming with a pure heart and good intentions... That this is not a phase for me. I can feel your resistance and your hurt... It feels awful. I dont think i have ever been so mad and upset with myself in my entire life. I write letters to you in my head constantly. I think about what words could possibly convey what i feel in my heart and soul. I am not trying to pressure you. I just want you to know everything. I cant sleep because my thoughts are consumed with you and i worry all the time that we wont ever be together and that i will have to feel this way.... For the rest of my life. My family keeps asking whats wrong, i always tell them... Its chris. When i started telling my parents about it, i cried. I think about writing you poems and singing songs about you on my guitar.i cant give up and im sorry. I just believe so strongly that we are really good together. Please look into my eyes and see that i am honest and very sincere. With every fiber of my being, i would do anything to fix things. Im sorry if i have said too much and i hope it doesnt affect our friendship. I just wanted you to know everything in my heart. I especially wanted to say it all completely sober so you would know it was not the alcohol talking that night.

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2010-12-05T16:19:00.000-08:00

Motherfucker.

I get out to my car this morning and my tire is flat. There is a slash in it and I am suspicious. What douche bag would do that to a person?!

I am the manager of my shop now, so that is nice.

I drank too much last night and got up at 8 a.m.

NO. FUN.

Ah well atleast the person I am in love with spent the night.

And bahahaha !

This is not 'Nam! this is bowling! There are rules!

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2010-12-03T02:12:00.000-08:00

I'm listening to Goldfrapp and hanging up Christmas lights in my window because I can't sleep. In the morning I am going to El Tequila to get mexican food and margaritas before work. WOOT.
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2010-11-28T20:19:00.000-08:00

The other morning, I woke up with a splendidly awful hangover so I promptly poured out half a bottle of vodka. I really wish I hadn't done that, I hate being left to my own devices when I'm feeling so depressed and lonesome.

I watched the latest Harry Potter movie with my sister and two friends. When they all went home I just feel kinda shocked and sad to be all alone again. I drove home and started to cry, thinking about all the things that were bothering me so.

I got home to my empty apartment that smelled of cleaner from scrubbing the tub, promptly noticing a roach crawling in my sink. DISGUSTING! I angrily sprayed him with water from the extend-able faucet which forced him down the disposal and I turned it on, grinding him up. Then I fell guilty because he probably had a family and didn't deserve to die.
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2010-11-27T17:48:00.001-08:00

And now I am going to go wander aimlessly around Target and listen to The Cure on my iPod.
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2010-11-26T18:17:00.000-08:00

Heyyyyy what's it gonna take 'til I am alright?

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2010-11-25T09:42:00.001-08:00

What does Thanksgiving mean to me?

Preparing for the day with a huge masturbation session -- five orgasms. Happy Thanksgiving.

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2010-11-24T18:16:00.001-08:00

She shows no emotion at all, stares into space like a dead china doll.

---- Elliott Smith
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2010-11-24T17:51:00.001-08:00

I feel like being bipolar is a sickness, a flu I will never be rid of.

A disgusting disease that plagues my every day life, in which I never feel okay.

I am always ill.

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2010-11-22T18:18:00.001-08:00

Honestly, I am just so depressed. I spend every night alone. I don't ever see anybody, my agoraphobia and introversion is crippling.

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2010-11-22T18:01:00.001-08:00

I don't know what to say.

I'm drinking vodka straight from the bottle.

I am so tired.

My apartment is empty and lonely.

I'm fucking 25.

I just got off of work.

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2010-11-20T18:42:00.000-08:00

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I have - no money, no food, no heat.

You'd think that working would get you more than that.....

2010-11-18T18:18:00.001-08:00

I don't know why I'm starting to write on here again, but my friend started an interesting blog on here so I figured maybe I would pick this up again.

I hate feeling like life is so hard.

I called my parents tonight and I was crying. Sometimes I feel like the only people I can talk to are a certain close friend and my parents.

I wish I had more to say but everything is jumbled and I can't sleep. My brain isn't working correctly.

At least the withdrawals are subsiding and I don't feel angry anymore.

I just keep listening to this song on repeat.

Don't think about all those things you fear.

Just be glad to be here.

Don't think about all those things you fear.

Just be glad to be here.

Don't think about all those things you fear.

Just be glad to be here.

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2009-08-27T15:13:00.000-07:00

Second phase of still life.

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2009-08-25T09:38:00.003-07:00

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2009-08-25T09:38:00.001-07:00

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