He said that he wants to be with me but then he has all these worries about it, all these what ifs.
In his words..
What if I am only wanting to get back together because of being lonely?
What if things are as they used to be?
What if I let you down again?
What if I am only wanting to be with you because I want to make you happy?
HONESTLY.
He knows in his heart...
When he looks at me, it is the look of love he used to give.
Every time he smiles and laughs.
When we were laying on my bed earlier and he was staring into my eyes....
He said he still feels it for me.
So why are we still apart?
Why can't we try?
I've been crying so hard, my body tried to throw up and I could not fucking breathe.
This is the letter I wrote him:
ts hard to imagine a world where we couldnt work things out. I feel like surely in time you will see how sincere i am. I dont want anyone else, i would wait so long for you... But i am hoping it doesnt come to that. I feel so incredibly sad all the time, i miss you so much. If you ever gave me the chance to be with you again, i would not take that for granted. I would cherish you like a precious kitten, cradling you close andsafe in my heart. I would do anything to prove that i am sincere and how i feel is a lasting thing, and how much devotion i feel to you. The last time we made love and i told you that i loved you i meant it. I think i left because i felt so hurt and rejected by you. I did not try to come back earlier because i was ashamed and terrified you would say no. I think i tried really hard to sniff out the reasons why i thought it wouldnt work. I think i was trying to convince myself for some reason. It all seems so silly and immature now. I feel like whoever did that to you is not the real me. Its so hard to face that i cant fix things and may never get that chance. I try to hide my love from you because i dont want to make it hard on you. I listen to sappy songs of love lost and cry. I cried while i wrote this, too. I was immature and a damn fool and the worst part is that i hurt the man i loved more than anyone. I have had so much time to sort out everything. I always loved how your eys matched your hair.... You always has the kindest, sparkliest eyes. I would even help you work on your cars, just to spend time with you. Everyone i have been talking to keeps saying that i just need to give you time, to show that i am coming with a pure heart and good intentions... That this is not a phase for me. I can feel your resistance and your hurt... It feels awful. I dont think i have ever been so mad and upset with myself in my entire life. I write letters to you in my head constantly. I think about what words could possibly convey what i feel in my heart and soul. I am not trying to pressure you. I just want you to know everything. I cant sleep because my thoughts are consumed with you and i worry all the time that we wont ever be together and that i will have to feel this way.... For the rest of my life. My family keeps asking whats wrong, i always tell them... Its chris. When i started telling my parents about it, i cried. I think about writing you poems and singing songs about you on my guitar.i cant give up and im sorry. I just believe so strongly that we are really good together. Please look into my eyes and see that i am honest and very sincere. With every fiber of my being, i would do anything to fix things. Im sorry if i have said too much and i hope it doesnt affect our friendship. I just wanted you to know everything in my heart. I especially wanted to say it all completely sober so you would know it was not the alcohol talking that night.
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